This is a letter I just posted to the “fumbling towards ecstasy” list that i am on. instead of writing for FUCK or to any of you singularly, i just sent it to 700 people. I have also unsubbed from all the list i was on, except the ones i run. I don’t know if I will be checking email. It’s really beginning to feel stale in my view right about now, but then again, it’s nearly 5am, and anything goes with me, generally as it does. and tomorrow i coupled probably push this out of my system and be “fine” as “fine” as I can be, and go back to doing my w00p dance about seeing Jeff, but im really angry at him right now, and at myself and for how I feel. It could very well be that I am not angry at Jeff, and its all miscommunication, but, right now I don’t have the heart or energy nor do i care. I really needed you Jeff, and you not being there was a slap in the face.
Right now i’m “angry” at everybody, the world, my parents, my cat for farting in my room and making me gag, for my life, and for everything else. All i want to do is veg. and not think.
I will be okay. Aren’t I always? In a few hours/days whatever time, I will snap back to “lisa”, whatever lisa is, and everything will be “fine” and I will be back to counting down the days to see Jeff, and I probably won’t go see my dad. Because truth of the matter is, I don’t want to see him, and I am not going to go only to cause me more hurt/pain.
Doesn’t it always work out to be that way? I will just sweep this under the rug, and go back to being flirtatious/hyper/over sexed/complex/over intelligent/vivacious lisa, the one everyone adores.
For some ungodly reason, you need to get a hold of me, call me. Don’t call me to talk about *this*, for I will just hang up. call me because you miss me. call me to say hi. Call me because you did laundry and your whites came out white and your colors were sparkling. Just call because you want to hear my voice. Or don’t.
anyway, i don’t know which one of you guys have my info but here it is:
Everyone one of you (cept Ralph) have been through my lows before. This one is no different. just instead of being a snotty bitch, im being rational enough to tell you it’s occurring and that i plan on being incognito. It always ends up something I have to do alone. And no, I won’t do anything stupid. I’ve got too much life in me, to do that.
I’ve taken up enough of your time-
I love you all-
ps: it’s raining
my dad called me the other day. friday in fact. and he told me that the doctors say he has six months left to live. i am not really sure how I feel about this, because my father and i have been estranged for so long (as well as my mother and i) that i do actually consider myself to be an orphan. hell, im so unlike the rest of my family, and i don’t get along with them, that, i do not stay in contact with them. in fact, my mother and her husband plan on flying out here to cali to visit my brother (and supposedly me) in the middle of january, and i plan on either being gone or incognito.
i really don’t know how i feel about my dad telling me this. we have never been close, and partly because of his age (he’s 70.. i was born when he was 45) and partly because of all my 25 years, i have only lived with him for one year, and that was really painful. he’s been sick for a long time, and i always knew that he was not going to be around much longer.
because of our “relationship”, he keeps intoning to me that “you’re all ive got lisa” which really waylays the guilt on me, because i don’t really see him as a father figure, he’s just ‘dad’. and to me, the only connection is that he was the sperm that fertilized my mother’s egg.
i keep feeling like i should be ‘upset’ or ‘angry’ or something, and instead i feel nothing at all. maybe a lot of rage, and i don’t know where that is coming from, but i keep directing it to people i shouldn’t, and i want to say im sorry, but i can’t.
in fact, the last few weeks haven’t been really that great. my brother forced me to call my mother on thanksgiving day, and that wasn’t really a treat for to deal with. and shortly after that, i dreamt that i decapitated her head.
i guess right now what i feel is really sick. my stomach hurts something awful and i have a huge headache. and it seems that my efforts to reaching out to people and saying ‘i need you’ hasn’t been all that successful. the few people who do know more in-depth knowledge about me and my family, kinda went ‘oh’, because i *never* speak about my family, in any context, except about my brother and that is a rare occasion or unless someone directly asks me ‘where are your parents’, i have to think before i answer, even though they haven’t moved from their respective spots in years. And those who i did tell, really didn’t reach out to speak to me about it because they knew, from past experiences that i would shut up.
once, my brother, a friend of mine, and i were at dinner about four months ago, and my brother and i started talking about my mom, and i got really hysterical.
ive never been really good with death. my maternal grandmother died when i was five months old, and for years i used to think it was my fault because my mother moved away to have me. my maternal grandfather, died a year ago december 22, and i spent last christmas day driving to his funeral. my grandfather was closer to me then my father, and his death really hit me hard. i remember cutting out early after the funeral and driving back to my apt in the middle of a blizzard and getting stinking drunk the whole weekend. my roommate knew that something was going on (even though i didn’t tell him other than “my grandfather died, im going to be out of town for a while”) because i came home, covered in snow, and carrying a fifth of vodka. drank that in one night and got another one the next night. people who know me fairly well, know that i don’t drink, except on the *REALLY* odd occasion, and when i go to bars, which, in the last year, do to my schedule has been really few and far between.
so. here i am, at 4:08am in the morning. ive alienated a few people this evening (im so good with that) because i sometimes can’t deal with my emotions. and also feeling horribly alone. two weeks ago i had my life all mapped out on what i am going to do, and where i was going, and how i was going to get there, and i was excited as hell about it. and now everything that used to excite me doesn’t and i have so much to look forward too in the coming weeks/months, and all i can really do is feel -> empty. that is about the only way i can describe it right now.
i know, this is part of the reason why i choose not to get close to people. because as Holden Caulfield was wont to saying “It’s funny. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.” Which is true. Because once you start people about who and what you are, and all that jazz, people start caring. and it seems that every time i attempt to care, i mean, really care about someone, they either die on me, move away or break my heart.
i also hate christmas. there are a million reasons why i hate christmas, none of which i will go through now, because i would be taking tons of bandwidth, and i really can’t bear to drudge it up again. but, anyway, after thanksgiving hits, i used to just pray to whatever deity exists that i could make it past to new years. i also used to think that i wouldn’t live to see 21. and being 25 is a huge shocker for me. i can’t believe that i am 25 because in my heart, im still 15.
a lot of the people i have gotten pretty friendly with on this list, know that i write for a magazine called “F.U.C.K.” (F.ucked U.p C.ollege K.ids”), and generally, when i need to write, i write an ‘article’ and send it in, hoping that i feel better. instead, i don’t feel better, and i don’t feel like things are going to get easier. now all i have on my mind is how do i get from san fran ->pennyslvania->toronto->san fran instead of san fran->pennsylvania->san fran and my fathers will and how he wants his ashes to be distributed when he dies. in a way, i can’t handle this, because, not that it seems unfair, but just that, i wonder, how much a person can truly take. and i used to pride myself on my strength, and sometimes, that used to help, *knowing* that even through the toughest of times, things can and do get better. Death is such a natural part of life, and we *all* have to accept it at one point or another that we are going to die, but in a way, i can’t accept it. like when i was a kid, i saw a show on cryogenics, and i used to think, every time i went to bed, i would be frozen to death. sometimes this feels like a 25 year night mare and i am still trying to wake up from it. and i can’t really think of anything ‘straight’ or coherent, i just keep playing with my hair and staring straight ahead.
ive done so well being alone, that i know right now, if anyone was around, and attempted to hug me, i would push them away. when i get really upset, i can’t stand people touching me. it actually makes my skin crawl. and chain smoking. im working on my second or third pack, ive lost count, for the night. its been a totally emotional draining week(s).
And even if people did reach out to me, what would i say? I would hear ‘im sorry’ or ‘whats wrong’ and to me, it would feel so trite. i know that is a shitty thing to say, but, i guess that is just how i feel right now. sometimes, it is just better to retreat into the abyss known as mind and wallow in there for a while. it just hurts. a lot. i do so well at masking my emotions. masking what im feeling. hell, on irc, i just wooped it like i usually do because i didn’t want to seem weak. and that is my cross to bear.
i know i will be okay. ive gone through enough storms to wait this one out. for the sake of my sanity, im unsubbing from the list after i post this. i was planning on doing so in a few weeks when i left for pennsylvania, but, somehow, i don’t have the patience to go through all that mail nor the energy. i may be back, it depends. i don’t know. those of you that know me can reach me via my email address. ive pretty much decided im not going to check email for awhile. it may be only an hour. a day or a week. i just know i need to be alone.
thanks for listening.