This is a letter I wrote to TheBassist in 2005 but never sent or published. I won’t go into the sordid details of our relationship(s), but if you’re into true love lost and found – twice, I suggest you go here.
September 7, 2005
Filed under: thoughts lmr @ 1:52 pm
I know that you know that I know that you’re reading this. I can’t imagine or even begin to imagine what is going on your head right now. It’s all about and has been all about miscommunication between us. Things got blown up out of proportion, which only fueled the problem(s) more. But I won’t lie to you and say it hasn’t been painful, because it has. I don’t like this rift between us, when the last words said were out of anger.
I still meant the words I said to you in the last email I sent to you. I don’t hate you, I don’t think you’re an asshole and I don’t think you are truly capable of being mean and I don’t believe your inconsistency was a conscious effort. I still believe in the goodness, the kindness and beauty that I saw in you in the first place. I still believe in you. I simply just can’t give up fighting for you. And if that makes me foolish, than, so be it.
What I will say is that a very reliable source related some things to me that you had said about me up to the time of the confrontation. All wonderful and beautiful things. This person did not tell me to break your confidentiality in them, rather, they gave me a summary and not concrete. They told me because they knew I was in pain, was confused and hurting. While I thought I understood you, this person understands you better. The insight they provided was helpful, and suddenly the bigger picture seemed clearer and brighter and a lot of my questions were answered.
But, here is the thing: I’ve simply reiterated what I told you in the last email I sent you. All that I am doing is regurgitating the same things over and over again, and maybe, I’m hoping, if I say them enough it will drive the point home, because I miss you and the hundreds of things that make you ó you.
So, here is what I am doing. I’m leaving the door wide open for you to contact me. I’m inviting you to contact me as we have a lot of unfinished business to discuss ó and you know that. Rationally, I know I should just let you go but I’ve never been the rational sort. I guess I just keep believing that if I believe in you, in us strong enough this will work itself out in the end. Hope has always been my strength and my weakness.
What I understand right now is what you’re ready for and what I’m ready for are differing things. I know that. You said the whole point was that you were clearly not ready for a relationship, the kind you want to give me, and I believe that. But I also believe that the things you said to me were not lip service, that I was worth fighting for, that I was everything you could have wanted and more. That I made you feel special and beautiful, because you are.