Filed under: thoughts lmr @ 3:00 am
When I was a kid, I used to sit outside and watch the sky, watching the positioning of the stars as they changed with the seasons. I always looked towards the heavens for the answers. I wanted to be an astronomer when I grew up, even went so far as to join the junior astronomy group here in Grand Rapids ó but I never did anything with it. I wanted to believe, and still do believe, that there are worlds out there, outside our own. I wanted to believe that there was more to life than what was given to us.
I still want to believe.
I found myself tonight feeling that nostalgia for my 8 year old self as I walked the dogs up and down the street. It was well after 1am, I had just returned from yet another night of drinking and debauchery. I’ve been doing that quite a bit this last week or so, surrounding myself with friends far and wide, because it would force me to live in the present and not in the past. At least forcing me to not live inside my head.
Despite the fact that I live in a highly light polluted area, I saw Antares (or perhaps it is Mars or even Jupiter,though the positioning is off) twinkling down at me. I felt like it was watching me as I walked up and down the block, and some semblance of peace has come to me even for the moment.
Things are ending, or perhaps they are merely beginning. I want to let go, I do. But parts of me can’t. I don’t think it’s stubbornness in so much as it is hope that nothing ever really ends, but it just merely tucked away for a little while. Because I still love and as long as I still love, I can’t let go.
What I realized is that I’ll never really get over that romantic ideal of love where the knight will come save me for once. Where if you care and love about someone, as deeply as one claims they do, they will not do anything to hurt you. They will want to protect you and cherish you, keep you warm at night and hold you up when you no longer have the will to fight. I keep thinking this is all my fault, in some way. it’s not so much that I make bad choices or the timing is bad, maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe a million and one of other things.
So, I’ll tell you a secret. I called my friend Chris a week or so ago and started crying on the phone. My romantic relationship is/was in taters and it felt like it was all my fault. But that wasn’t why I was crying. I was crying because I was 33 years old and had never been married. Something that I never thought I would admit to anyone, ever, public or private. I commented this to another friend a few days later. We were talking about a friend of ours who had recently gotten divorced. I remarked that it was socially acceptable for that friend, under the age of 30, to be divorced once but for me, being over 30 and never been married, I was some sort of piranha. And it made me feel contaminated.
When someone is close to you, and they unleash venom about you that is unwarranted, excuses or not, it’s painful to forget those words. Despite if they meant it or not, or if they were truly meant for you or not. I felt like what I gave was never really received and I felt like, even though the words and actions were beyond sincerity and there was a truth to those words, they were rejected.
I feel tainted now, not because of the situation but because I will always feel that I’m competing against ghosts. My ghosts. Their ghosts. What if what I have to give is never enough, for anyone? Ever?
And I looked to the sky for answers, connecting the stars as the seasons shift. I long for reason and understanding, but in the end, I still believe.
And I still wait.